Thoughts of a fetus

Hey, what's that noise? Is that music? Let's kick where it's coming from! Hmmm, I don't think I've eaten in a while. Time to punch the spleen! Hi-ya! Take that you useless organ! What are you good for anyway, Mr. Spleen? Iron? Pfft. My mom can get injections! Karate-chop! Oh....mom...is...walking...so...sleepy...time...for...a...nap. OH! Is that DADDY? Hi Daddy! I'm here! No, here! Ha-ha! I moved! Betcha can't catch me! There I am! Watch, I'm gonna stick my foot through Mommy's skin! LAWDY, is that my sister jumping on me again? Why must she bounce on me so? I was so comfortable. Time to NINJA! MMmmmmm, is that chocolate? AND coffee? HOLY-HELL-I'M-TWEAKING-HERE-DUDE!!! Crap, I have the hiccups again! Ohhh....walking....again....so....cozy...and....warm....in...here. Hey, don't lay down, woman! What do you think you're doing!?! I like it better when you get up and move and swish me! There will be no sleeping! You like my fist in your bladder? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Do ya? How's about a foot under your sternum? Yeah, right there! Under the rib cage! That'll teach YOU!

Bringing haiku back

Just two years ago this week
I was so swollen
Something must be wrong, I thought

Baby isn't due just yet
Still has five more weeks
Then my water broke

Induced with no contractions
Gave me meds from Hell
Pitocin and Cervadil.

"Mom, I feel like throwing up."
"It's time to push, hon."
"I can't. I can't do this, Mom."

Mom stood up top by my head
Mike held my left leg
My sister watched in horror

Thirty minutes of pushing
I wanted her out
Then, with a cry, she was here.

We came home on Mother's Day
The day was perfect
My little family's begun.

Now, in a few more weeks time
I'll do it again
I couldn't be happier

I wonder if I'll make it
Until my due date
Or maybe on Father's Day?

Happy Birthday, my baby
Happy Mother's day
To all who love more than words.






More Haiku's here.

Some things

Things your sick toddler eats because you feel so bad for her, your husband is working till 10:30 tonight, and your parenting skills went out the window:

1) chocolate chip muffin
2) straight apple juice
3) macaroni and cheese
4) hot dogs (in my defense, they are organic 100% beef and nothing else.)
5) a spoonful of chocolate icing right out of the container after she takes her Motrin.

Things you eat because you have a sick toddler, your husband is working till 10:30 tonight, and your self-preservation skills went out the window:

1) chocolate chip muffin
2) regular Pepsi
3) macaroni and cheese
4) hot dogs
5) two spoonfuls of chocolate icing right out of the container after you took your Pepcid.

Thursday Schmursday

Yesterday morning, I got up at my usual 5:45 to shower and get myself together before Charlotte wakes up. She usually sleeps till at least 6:45, giving me plenty of time to make myself the stunning goddess you see everyday. But yesterday at around 6:15, I heard her turn on her mobile - a soother she's used every day since she's been able to reach it; it's as much a staple to nap and bedtime as a pacifier - and start to whine. Sneeze one. Sneeze two. Then, "Momma, I messy. Boogers! Oh, no!" So I went to her and sure enough she was covered in snot. Her eyes were puffy and her nose was running. But it was clear, so I assumed it was allergies from being outside this whole week. My mother arrived, I warned her of the situation, told her to call me if she needed me to come home, and set off on my 56-mile trek through never-ending construction on Jersey's awesome highways to my office. I called to check a few times and mom said she was fine. But by noon, she had a fever.

Mike was home by 2:30. I straggled in around 7, haggard and swollen from a long day at the office. We sat and watched some TV. We snuggled and then I rocked her to sleep. Within two hours, she was up and restless and her fever was back. Almost 103. She was red-cheeked, red-nosed, swollen-eyed, and just looked so sad. We sat her in front of our fan, gave her another dose of motrin, and I held her again until she slept. The fever broke and we put her back down. She slept all night and woke up still snotty at 6:45 this morning, but in much better spirits.

She has a cold. Some sort of virus that will run its course (hopefully bypassing the adults) in a few days. She is home with me instead of at her dayhome today. We will watch TV and drink lots of apple juice, while Daddy covers someone's 12-hour shift. The day will most likely be long and rough, but it will be okay.

As I held her last night, trying to shush her back to sleep, my heart breaking for her poor little red nose, her raspy cough and hot skin, I felt so sad. Sad that my baby has to experience any kind of discomfort. More sad that I can't prevent it and protect her from ever being sick or feeling bad. And then I thought that some people have babies and children who have life-threatening illnesses - cancers, diseases, injuries. And my heart broke a little more.

And then I thought how lucky I am to have a sick baby - just a virus.

While you shower....

...this is what your toddler does to your cat.



Can you see the look of contempt in his eyes:



But she means well. She told me, "Cronie pretty Momma! Cronie tatohead!"



At least she loves him. Even if he is secretly plotting her demise.

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk....

The Great Ass Pain of Aught-Eight is gone. It was bizarre. The next day it moved to the right ass cheek. I mean, I can't blame it. Once you get a piece of my ass, you want the whole thing. Wow, that was raunchy wasn't it? Sorry, Mom.

I'm just happy it's gone because HOO BOY was that NO fun. I mean, have you ever seen an already overweight, already waddling, seven-month pregnant woman LIMPING? I'm sure I looked like someone shot the Stay Puft Marshmallow man in the knee caps.

I'm sure by saying this I am totally jinxing myself and maybe I should go find an umbrella to open in the house, shoes to put on the table, and a ladder to walk under, but I have been feeling physically pretty damn great the past week or so. Other than the random ass pain situation, I have been feeling spofulous (anyone else get that reference?). The list of stuff I still need to get accomplished before Charlotte's birthday party is HYOGE, but it's doable. It doesn't help that work is kicking my ass either. There are just not enough hours in the day, but that is a lament that I am not alone in I'm sure.

We should have the Explorer, whom I've re-christened Murphy since he is being reborn, by early next week, just in time to load it up with our spring flowers and soil for planting and hanging. The lawn service people should also be here next week sometime to do all the other non-pretty crap I don't want to do, like rake the dead leaves and gather fallen branches and all that jazz. Unless it's chocolate or Agent Seely Booth, I am not bending over for much of anything (OHMIDOG, I AM SO NAUGHTY TODAY!) and way high on that list is branches and debris.

The floor is done, the couch is here, the car will be fixed soon, we're giving away free stuff here, and my ass doesn't hurt. These are all very good things.

The size of my arms, however, leaves me saddened. I mean, is it just me or does it look like they've been stuffed like a porkchop?

(29 weeks)

Who doesn't like free stuff?

Seriously, if I could enter my own contest, I so would.

Our blog Chop. Stir. Mix. is hosting a pretty rad contest with really cool prizes. Crate and Barrel stuff! And a $50 dollar American Express card. All you have to do is leave a comment!