Blue Monday

This morning started out alright enough. Sawyer ate at 4:30 and the alarm rang out what seemed like mere minutes. I showered and got dressed while both kids slept. He woke up early, but happy and played on the floor while I finished getting everything together. Charlotte woke with enough time to spare to get out of the door. After that, it was all downhill. I forgot something at home for daycare so had to go back and get it, adding 20 mins onto my commute. I spilled coffee on my white cami. The traffic was horrendous and took me almost two hours to get to the office, at which point I was sure I would have to pull over and pee into the giant coffee cup I had just drained, putting me in said predicament with my bladder. My work inbox is full. My editing tasks seem insurmountable. And on top of this, I sit here unable to concentrate because I'm worried about my baby.

We did try Sawyer on a new formula but it didn't make a difference and if anything, made it worse. The kind of formula he was on is one of the best ones out there (Good Start Natural Cultures) and even the pediatrician said that's the kind she normally recommends. So, we took suggestion number 2 and started to thicken his bottles with cereal so that the weight of his meals would prevent him from refluxing it back up. It seems to make a good bit of a difference, but it also constipates him. So, we're going to try barley and oatmeal cereal as well.

I feel like I'm living in a loop from 2 years ago. Charlotte's reflux was so bad, it warranted medication. It was a last resort as she was projectile vomiting up all of her bottles and was in immense pain while eating. Sawyer shows some of the same symptoms when eating, but I don't feel like I'm ready to take the step towards medication yet. At least he doesn't throw up the way she does. He's almost 10 weeks old and I keep hoping he will outgrow it soon.

This morning, I called to check on him at their dayhome and he's so miserable. He screams and cries during his bottles and rarely rests there. The caregiver is worried and upset which makes me worried and upset - that he is not happy there right now. I've tried everything - from bringing his miracle blanket to be swaddled in and his silky blanket he likes to nuzzle with. Between the reflux and the new environment, it seems his days there are pretty rough on him.

I didn't start Charlotte until she was 7 months old. But I also didn't know her caregiver then and it was a big leap. Now, I feel safe and secure leaving my son there. My mom was taking care of Charlotte on the days I went into the office and on the other days, I was scrambling around trying to take care of her and work. I made it work for 7 months, but now my mom only comes once a week, as it wasn;t fair to ask her to use both her days off from work to drive the 35 minutes to my house to take care of my children. That Monday and Wednesday were her weekends.

For me to keep Sawyer at home, Mike would have to switch his schedule around to work on Saturdays instead of Mondays. It would suck, but it would only be temporary, right? I hate not knowing what is the right thing to do. We're going to talk to his caregiver today and she how she feels. She also has four other kids to take care of, one of them being Charlotte, and I don't want their level of care or attention diminished. I wish I knew what was the right answer.

This parenting thing is hard.

Today, I'm sad.

Today, I'm having a rough day.

There. I admitted it.