The Five Diets

I've lost 16 pounds in just over six weeks. A lot of this is from sheer determination, hard work at the gym and with Jillian Michael's Shred, and very little food that isn't green or yogurt. But some of it is a result of the following diets I've been on the past few weeks.

1) The Dentist Diet: Don't go to the dentist for three years because you're a giant pussy, and thereby get cavities UNDER your fillings. Go to the dentist three times in two weeks. Each time you go, between the numbing, needles, tooth drilling and subsequent jaw/tooth pain, you will be sure to skip a few meals.

2) The Too Old To Party Like A Rock Star Diet: Leave your children home for the weekend and go to a bachelorette party. Make sure you haven't slept more than 30 hours all week. Start drinking before dinner at your friend's apartment. Have a few glasses of wine with your dinner. Order shots at the bar. Make it back to the apartment, puke, sleep, puke some more, wake up, and spend the next day too nauseous to eat. A whole day of negative calories!

3) The Touch of the Toddler's Tummyache Diet: Wash your hands vigorously and spray all surfaces with Lysol when your toddler has diarrhea. However, this is all in vain as you will get the stomach bug anyway, which will leave you unable to eat a few meals until you feel better.

4) The Two Kids Are Simultaneously Losing Their Shit Diet: Make sure both kids get pissed off at once. Then, hope against all hope that they both decide to poop at the same time, or the big one falls and yells, scaring the little one, causing tandem screaming. If you're really lucky, they'll both be starving at the same time, or the big one will punch the little one in the head to see if "it cries REALLY loud, momma". Then, you will be so busy it will be noon before you realize the only thing you ate was the moist toddler-gnawed-on crust of your kid's peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

5) The Work Fucking Sucks Diet: Go into the office. Sit at your desk to start working. Then, get called into fifty meetings. Also, start a new system where things go much slower than before making deadlines ever so imminent. By the time your friends come to get you for lunch, you realize you didn't eat the Lara bar you brought for breakfast and your fucking coffee is cold.

So, there you have it people. The Five Diets I've been on that have helped me lost 16 pounds in 6 weeks! Try them! You might get an ulcer or have a stroke, but hey, you'll be thin in the hospital!