Chasing pavements

Are any of you Adele fans? If you are, then you know this song. If you're not, listen now while you read. You won't regret it.



Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere.
Or would it be a waste?
Even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I listen to this song in my car almost every morning on my commute into the office. It's one of my favorites and though she's mostly talking about love and not her career, it resonates with me. It gives me chills and makes my eyes brim with tears every time I belt the lyrics out in my car.

I'm happy in my life. Often, deliriously so. I have a funny, sexy husband who I adore, two beautiful healthy babies, a roof over my head, two cats who only puke a few times a year, running vehicles, etc., etc., etc. The list goes on and on. This is not about being grateful or thankful. This is about me. Just me.

If you subscribe to the theory of The Butterfly Effect, any change in my past, however small or seemingly insignificant could greatly alter the outcome of my life. And OF COURSE when I think of different roads I may have gone down, I do not mean in any way that they would take me away from the path that brought me to my husband and children. If that one path could remain unchanged no matter what decisions I made in my life previously, would I have made different decisions?

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I look people in the eye when I walk by them, smile, and say hello - even if they stare at the ground and ignore me. I acknowledged them and that was enough. I try and compliment people often. I love the color of your shirt. Your hair looks great that way. But I don't lie. I MEAN the compliments. I am being sincere and genuine and want that person to feel my respect. I use people's names when I talk to them. I call people back. I return emails. I am always on time.

I like myself. I think I am a good person and believe in karma. It's kind of like peeing in the wind - one way or another, it's going to come back to you.

Then why at the end of the day do I feel so unfulfilled? Why do I feel like I'm not where I thought I'd be?

I always though I'd do something romantic - like edit books or work for an big ad agency. With my creativity and half-way decent ability to write, maybe I'd be an Editor of my own magazine or at the very least, a columnist.

Maybe I should have majored in the sciences where I could have used my analytical mind and endless capacity to memorize things and store useless information to work on cures for cancer.

Maybe I should have gone into the medical field like my mother. I'm an excellent researcher and intelligent and compassionate enough to have been a doctor. I could have made a difference there.

But the reality is that I didn't know what I wanted so I went with what I was good at: English. Philosophy. Writing. Why? Not because I had a deep passion for it. Because it was easy. It was easy BECAUSE I was good at it.

I breezed through college, graduated on the Dean's list and got a decent job right out of school. And you know what?

I'm still there.

I haven't tried anything new. Because I'm good at what I do, and therefore, it's EASY. Don't get me wrong. My job is NOT easy and the deadlines, stress, and politics are enough to give you an ulcer, but it's easy in the sense that I'm good at what I do.

But at the end of the day, if I dropped dead, my absence wouldn't affect their bottom line. It would matter little to the international authors I deal with on a daily basis.

I always thought I'd do something that mattered. And I couldn't feel like I matter any less than I do in my corporate publishing job.

Even if I could change my career, I'm not sure I have the first clue what I want to do. And I know that so many of you will say "you're never too old to go back and start over- you're so young." And for the most part, you're right and I would say the same thing to someone else.

The reality is that I have a family to support, a job that fits my schedule, a financial situation that doesn't allow room for risk-taking, and two children who take priority over any whim or flight of fancy I may have.

They're two beautiful reasons why my aspirations are on hold, whatever those aspirations are. And that's more than okay by me.

It doesn't stop me from thinking about things though - about things that might have been, things that still could be, about the bigger picture I could affect.

It doesn't stop me from dreaming.