Stumble It!
Last night, I was thisclose to having a whole night of uninterrupted sleep. Sawyer was passed out. Charlotte miraculously was staying in her bed. And then I woke, startled. Thunder. Lightning. Wind. I spent the next 20 minutes staring at the video monitor convinced Charlotte would wake up and why bother going back to sleep when I'm just going to be woken by toddler shrieks in mere minutes?
She never woke up. They both slept while I lie awake waiting for them to wake.
This is the price we pay being parents. The lifelong worry. Convinced our child will be scared when the thunder comes. Convinced our baby is dead when he sleeps through the night. Lying in bed, awake, worrying, thinking, wishing, hoping that nothing ever hurts them. That we can protect them from every pain, every heartbreak, every fear. That tragedy may lurk around some unseen corner but if we wish hard enough, maybe it will stay around that bend, far off. Distant.
Trying to stay one step ahead.
If I stay awake, when she wakes up scared I can be right here.
If I make sure he's on his back, swaddled, and slightly elevated with a pacifier, we won't be a SIDS statistic.
Yet no matter how hard we wish or hope, some day my children will feel real pain. My daughter may fall out of a tree and break her leg. My son may be rejected by the girl he likes. They will hurt each other. They will deal with loss.
Emotionally and physically, my children will hurt at some point. And that will help mold them, make them stronger, become who they ultimately will be. Without pain, there is no healing. Without healing, there is no growth.
But now, when I look at her hair flopping in her eyes or I watch him stare at his toes, I can't imagine anything more perfectly innocent. So undeserving of anything less than pure love and joy.
Yes, one day they will feel true pain. They will know sadness and loss. And mostly, I'm okay with this.
But for now, they're just my babies. I will lie awake wondering if some unseen force lies dormant waiting to pounce and I will think of ways I will kick its ass if it does.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
One day
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7 comments:
I do the same thing and then it's some random dumb thing that wakes them up like the dishwasher I have set to go off in the middle of the night. Uh.
I hear you. I was awake at 5:00, waiting to hear Bear cry. He slept until 6:30.
And it BROKE MY HEART when his finger was broke/sprained a week or so ago. It was the first time he had a boo-boo that I couldn't kiss away.
Growing up sucks.
I do the same thing too. It's hard to see them really hurt- whether it's physically or emotionally.
IT must have been the day yesterday because I was wide awake for no reason until midnight and I just could not fall asleep. I don't even say the word S**DS because it scares the living shit out of me.
words well spoken - very glad to have found this post! I kinda needed it :)
A good friend of mine always talks about how she is in awe of women who are able to become mothers because they have to wear their hearts outside of their chest forever.
Josie will be too old for the non-travel soccer team in the spring, and will have to be on the one that requires try-outs.
She loves soccer. But I think in my heart that she's not good enough at it to make it onto the team. I am dreading her rejection with a sad, dark heart. What will I tell her? Will it keep her from trying other new things, out of fear that she will be told she isn't good enough? Will she internalize the rejection? I know children have been rejected forever, and I myself was rejected for nearly everything when I was young, which is probably why I'm terrified for her. My sweet baby.
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