No apologies

On Saturday, we are heading up to Mystic, CT for a wedding of a friend I've known since high school.

Without kids.

Fo. Shizzle.

I get that a lot of people deeply miss their kids when they're away from them. I read tweets from working parents lamenting how much they'd rather be home snuggling their babies. I read blog entries of people on trips who can't wait to get home to their children. I read about people left in their own home alone while their spouse and children are visiting relatives and they feel lost, sad, and miss their family.

I get it. I do. And I sympathize and wish those people could have what they wanted.

But then for a second I feel like a total dicktowel, because dudes, if Mike said "Hey babe, I'm gonna take the kids to my mother's for a few days and I thought you might like some time to yourself," I'd have their suitcases packed before he could remove the booger Sawyer had just wiped on his pants.

Then I think about it, and I no longer feel like an asshole parent. It's not that I don't love my kids with every ounce of my body. I'd gladly lay in front of a freight train for them. Okay, well "gladly" may not be the correct word, but I'd do it.

But when I'm at the office for the day or away from them for a night or two...here it comes...I don't miss them that much. I KNOW. There are about 50% of you clutching your wee heart and thinking of how black and cold mine is and the other 50% is thinking that they agree but they'd never admit it because MY GOD for the love of all that is choreographed by Wade Robson, how can she admit she doesn't MISS HER CHILDREN?!?!

I don't expect you to tell me what 50% you're in.

I'm not a mushy person. I'm not overly sentimental. I'm a realist with a side of optimism. I'm fiercely independent. I work not because I have to but because I WANT to (Cheezits Christmas, she just admitted she wants to work AND doesn't miss her children when she's away from them; what kind of soul-less bitch IS she?!?!)

I like having a self that is divorced from my children - a social life that doesn't involve them, a career that is often so busy I go hours without even thinking about anything other than deadlines, a sense of identity that is not just...Momma.

And I am proud of that.

I love my kids but a couple days away from them will do everyone a world of good so why waste the time and mental energy thinking about how I miss them or wishing I was somewhere else? Why not just let them learn that sometimes Mommas need to go away, that they are safe and happy in the care of the person I've entrusted, and that Momma's always come back. Happy. Relaxed. Recharged.

I don't apologize for not missing my kids. I don't apologize for not weaving my identity so deeply in being a mother that I forget who I am and what makes me happy.

A happy momma is a good momma.

And dammit, I'm both.