Universal Truths as Told by Me

1) Toe rings were maybe cool if you were 19 and it was 1998. If you are no longer 19 and it is no longer 1998, they are not cool.
1b) This also goes for platform flip flops.
1c) And belly button rings.

2) Some songs should never be remade.
2a) See "Free Falling." Yes, I'm looking at you, John Mayer.
2b) Also: any and all dance remixes of slow songs.

3) When you have the dream where you're falling and you jerk awake right before you hit the floor, you will look at your spouse and wonder why he didn't wake up. I mean, you almost dream DIED.

4) The toddler will bang on the door just seconds prior to Mommy-and-Daddy-special-time because IT'S SKEEEEERY in her room.

5) Dark clothes are very hard to locate in the dark.

6) The second you clean up puke from one creature, another creature will create a mess of equal or surmountable portions in its place. It's like a law of Physics or something. I think it was Newton. Yeah.

7) Men cannot pee in the toilet without splattering.

8) Neither can three-year-old girls.

9) Feathering your hair does not Farrah Faucett make.
9a) Especially if you're a guy.
9b) And especially if it's a mullet.

10) Curly mullets are funnier than their straight-haired counterparts.

11) When you lose a bet to your spouse and have to do all the dishes for the week, you wish you had just given him the "special treat" he asked for instead.

12) Fried calamari is a gift from Heaven.

13) You never look as good in pictures as you think you're going to.

14) There's at least one person in your office you wish would self-combust.

15) Your car will break down, your TV will break, and your tooth will crack all at once.