Stumble It!
My husband and I rarely fight.
Oh, we bicker. Mostly, I bicker and he says, "Sure, honey. Whatever you need."
And then I call him a jackass for placating me instead of growing a pair and fighting me back.
And then he calmly asks me to lower my voice and to please stop yelling at him.
And then I call him a jackass because I hate being talked to like I'm 10.
And then he says he's not talking to me like a child; he's being respectful and trying to talk to me rather than yell.
And then I call him a jackass.
And then we take a few minutes away, I realize I'm being irrational and immature, he realizes he was being a jackass (okay, maybe he wasn't being a jackass but he admits he was because he loves me), and it's over. We apologize to each other, hug and kiss, and life goes on.
This doesn't happen often, but when it does, I don't feel the need to shoo the children or hold the fight till later. Short of me calling him a jackass - which is usually all in jest - in front of the kids, we let our bickering out in front of them.
Our arguments are usually respectful (see above when not respectful: use of the term jackass) and resolved within minutes. I, personally, think it's good for the children to see that Momma and Daddy can have a disagreement and resolve it and still love each other.
I see a benefit to my children to see a problem be confronted, sides argued, and eventually resolved. I don't feel like all "fights" and disagreements should be saved for later when the kids aren't around. I mean, sure, if in your house, you cuss, throw things, and act out of anger, then yes, by all means, do NOT fight in front of your kids. I also think some topics should not be argued in front of your kids, of course.
But if you can have a respectful dispute, I not only do not see the harm but I see a benefit to our children. My kids will grow up knowing that not everything is perfect - that people who love each other can sometimes disagree. But that ultimately, you can confront issues respectfully and calmly, resolve them and still love each other.
What about you? Do you keep any and all arguments from your kids? Do you let them see you and your spouse fight?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Bicker
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10 comments:
I think it is important for kids to see some arguments as long as they also get to see the resolution.
I was a little bicker happy myself yesterday. My three year old told me to calm down and have some dip. :)
Yes, we let them see us fight. Sometimes we probably shouldn't as evidenced by the fact that Bubba asked for prayers for us in Sunday school yesterday because "mommy and daddy fight a lot." Yeeeah. Good times.
GREAT question.
I am pretty firm about not fighting in front of the kids. I remember when I was four or five, I watched my aunt and my mom get into a fight and my aunt totally reared back and bitchslapped my mom.
(I'm older now. I don't remember if my mother deserved it.)
But it should've NEVER happened in front of me.
We'll "argue" in front of them, if it's over something stupid (what to eat, where to go, etc), but if it's a real issue? I will unwaiveringly stand with, "We'll talk about it later."
I don't know what kind of parent this makes me. Perhaps southern.
If we didn't bicker in front of the kids we'd never have a chance to argue. Fighting, however, is different. Things that the kids shouldn't hear about are done in private, after they're in bed.
We disagree in front of them, but if the emotional quotient dials up, we tend to cut it out until they are in bed.
I never EVER say "fuck you, you fucking fucker" in front of the kids, because I just know they'd remember tell their teachers ALL about their independant learning.
That said, we do bicker and snipe. OK, I do. Once in a while, we'll get my middle daughter acting all peacemakery and shout "STOP FIGHTING!!" and we say, "we're not fighting, dad's just an asshole, and I had to remind him of that. Several times."
Like others, if it is an actual *issue*, it needs to be done more privately. Like "maybe if you'd vacuum, like EVER, I could be less of an 'asshole'"
Your bickering sounds just like me and evan. We don't argue often and when we do it doesn't last long. He is hard to stay mad at. Jackass is my term of choice also but the kids never repeat it..thank goodness. Somehow though my soon to be 3 year old picked up the words "juice-bag"..and he didn't get it from me.
Gosh I try not to go full on fighting. She hears some confrontations but nothing too heated. I try to end it with a gave of rocks paper scissor and a high five to the winner....so she can see a positive ending.
"juice-bag" is pretty much the funniest thing I've heard today. And it's late...
Full on fighting (which is rare) is NOT done in front of the kids. Bickering, absolutely. We tend to resolve quickly and do it respectfully. Wouldn't want Bear to think our marriage is perfect with NO disagreements -- we'd be setting him up for an impossible idea of what marriage is really like!
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