A look into the crazy

Scene: I've been sick almost a week. It's to the point where my sinuses on the left side of my face hurt so much, I can't chew on that side. The colors that my face is making should not be produced by any human. I've developed a hacking, continual cough, keeping me and my husband awake well into the night.

Internal monologue with Self 1: This sucks, sucks, sucks, fucking sucks. You should probably go to the doctor. I mean, green is not a normal color to come from one's FACE, right?

Internal monologue with Self 2: But chances are it's a virus. I haven't even had a fever. There's no way to tell if it's a bacterial sinus infection unless they test for it, which let's face it, Dr. L is not going to go. I mean, she pulls a Xanax from her pocket if you start to cry in her office. So, if it's just a viral thing, it can take up to two weeks to clear. You should just be patient, drink lots of fluids, rest.

Self 1: Rest?!!? BWAHAHA! Have you seen your house? Your son is licking the dog bowl and your three-year old just cooked dinner. You have deadlines and people coming over this weekend. You should get to the doctor and get an antibiotic. I mean, what can it hurt?

Self 2: What can it hurt? WHAT CAN IT HURT? If it's a virus - which it 99% is - I'm putting something in my body that's not necessary. My body will fight the virus, thereby making my immune system stronger. We are a nation of antibiotic whores and one day, when we reaaaalllly need them, they're not gonna fucking work because the strain will be resistant because people have been pumping themselves full of Amoxicillian for decades. The ZOMBIES WILL COME!!

Self 1: Ok, dude, calm down. Fine, it probably is viral. But you're going on Day 8 here. Let's make a deal: If you don't feel better by Thursday, you'll go see the doctor.

Self 2: Yeah, sure, where'll I'll probably pick up SWINE FLU IN THE WAITING ROOM. Do they make Hazmat suits for mothers?

Self 1: You're hopeless.

Self 2: I know. Where's my Purell?

Self 1: See, Purell. That's probably what got you into this mess. You practically bathe in Purell and looky looky, like everyone said, you get sick as hell. Your son licks the floor and he has a runny nose. Stop fucking Purelling evertyhing. Let your body fight the germs. Just wash your hands often. Purell is the debbil, Bobby Boucher.

Self 2: Why are you obsessed with Adam Sandler movies?

Self 1: Stop looking at me SWAN!

End Scene

Conclusion: I did not go to the doctor and am almost better, so take that Self 2. However, Self 2 has concluded that perhaps coating oneself in Purell is not the best way to avoid getting sick. Clearly, a Hazmat suit HAS to be on Amazon somewhere, right?